Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well I just put wine in my tea
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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