YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
