the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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