Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
