he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
