You can't special order awesome
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
