When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The air was thick with penises
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
