...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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