y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
