he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
