Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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