Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
