One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
