2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
