you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
