Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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