Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Mom said you looked used
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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