I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
