the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
