life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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