i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is it because I queefed?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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