saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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