I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
