well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize