apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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