She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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