yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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