I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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