history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
