I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
