I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
