Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
