I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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