Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
