I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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