god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You smell like stripper and shame
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
