And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
