Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
