"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Randomize
