Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize