I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
