That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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