hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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