If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You can't motorboat a personality
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
