If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
