the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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