I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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