Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
