I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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