So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
