I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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