Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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