If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
vagina is talking i cant
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
