i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
