I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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