Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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