I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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