This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
