i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize