god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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