thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Two words: blizzard sex
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