my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
