I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
